Beyond The Limits Of Mankind

Blurminator

2007-05-24T12:12:00.000Z

We've sweated blood to afford an HDTV and sold our tears to corporate wankers to buy a PS3 but even after that we're still unable to get our DVDs looking nice. Well today ladies and gents that much sought after upscaling update has been launched, and has changed FUCK ALL.

Now rather than watching my films in classic grain-o-vision I can watch them in super-duper blur-o-vision! See here for an example;

Before:

Shit

After:

Still shit.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Nice whammy, can I touch it?

2007-05-24T01:03:00.000Z

Does everything that comes into contact with 360 have to turn into a complete wreck? Take for instance this latest example. Guitar Hero 2, a PS2 game remember, now available on 360 for the really rather extortionate price of 70 smackers, and for those 70 smackers you end up with a piece of shit guitar that doesn't do half the stuff it's supposed to. Even a retard knows that Guitar Hero without a whammy bar is like porn with mingers, it just doesn't fucking work.

It's been well reported on the internet that the whammy bar is completely fucked, and there's a 'simple' fix. This fix requires you to unscrew no less than 13 screws, and slightly turn a piece of metal. Easy. However you have to remember this is a peripheral designed for the console with the highest death rate known to man. More 360's die every day than people in Africa with AIDs of the face. As a result when I go to fix my guitar I learn that not only is the piece of metal not rotated enough, but the whole fucking whammy bar is not wired to the PCB at all. Even in my GCSE Electronics I was taught that if wires don't touch it doesn't pissing work, so how these high-flying Microsoft QA bigwigs can fail in something as simple as soldering is beyond me. Still better luck next time boys?

Piss off chav scum

2007-05-23T18:59:00.000Z

This is to all those bastards determined to keep me awake last night by revving their stupid 15cc mopeds for a constant half hour in an attempt to accidentally impregnate a couple of slags and catch gonorrhoea.

You're not big, you're not clever. You're just a twat in a hat.

Happy Easter

2007-04-08T18:10:00.000Z

For today Jesus died so we could eat chocolate! Whoever had the logic to think that up though? We'll celebrate the horrible bloody demise of the saviour by scoffing our faces with shit. Mr Cadbury has a lot to answer for, but a lot to thank for at the same time...

Mmmmm Creme Egg...

Wet Patch

2007-04-08T17:16:00.000Z

I need not explain.

It's going to be a long day...

2007-04-01T17:11:00.001Z

Many of you may be asking why, on such a joke-worthy day, we are yet to post anything. Well simply put it's because we don't like April Fools day shenanigans. Anyone building our hopes up and then shattering them completely should be shot.

April Fall. Ha.

Here are some examples of why many many people today have been added to the LIST OF DEATH.

GTA IV announced for Wii
Free Google broadband
Wii Helmet
Blizzard Announce WHOA
RoboGirlfriend
HoloScreen
Bluetooth Brush

I could type more but it will only anger me. And you won't like me when I'm angry.

Update from the front lines

2007-03-31T13:49:00.000Z

The people have spoken! China has backed down! The Chinese government have allowed our MySpace page to cross their borders! No longer will the Chinese nation be subjected to picking tea leaves and prodding Pandas with bamboo sticks. Instead they're free, free to browse MySpace, free to sell dodgy DVD's on eBay, and free to cook sweet & sour chicken for us on a Saturday night!

There are no more limits. The revolution begins early for China!!!

Life is complete!

2007-03-30T17:40:00.000Z

For today shall go down in history as the day our prayers were answered.

CADBURY'S CREME EGG ICE CREAM
HELL. FUCKING. YES!!!

Snackspot reports:

This isn't a bad Vanilla flavour ice cream with chocolate pieces and fondant sauce topped with chocolate sprinkles (or, as the packaging puts it, "Delicious ice cream with added goo"). As the description implies, there's no shortage of chocolate pieces and authentically odd-tasting fondant, but it lacks that extra edge of the Creme Egg McFlurry (out now, 99p, price and participation may vary).

So the review isn't exactly gushing with eggcitement (sorry), but come on, how bad can it be!? It's Creme Egg Ice Cream for goodness sake. CREME EGG ICE CREAM! It's got to be fucking excellent!!

American Takedown

2007-03-30T11:35:00.000Z

Whilst watching Cops today we learnt a valuable lesson in how to FUCK SOMEONE UP!

Step 1. Pull a gun.

Step 2. Throw him into a car causing MASSIVE DAMAGE!!!1!1!

Step 3. Get him on the ground, with your foot.

Step 4. Continue to kick the guy's head in with your heavy duty boots.

Step 5. Tell him your scary ass dog has a taste for fat man bollocks!

Now that's how real men make arrests! It's like watching WWE but less gay.

PS3 is actually quite good...

2007-03-29T19:03:00.000Z

...because I can use the bluetooth headset that I got for free when I bought my girlfriends phone at Christmas to talk to crazy Australians rather than pay out £35 for some stupid, uncomfortable Microsoft headset that bleeps every 5 seconds when I don't want said Australians to hear my sexy voice.

Just don't tell her I knicked her headset or she'll be pissed and I'll lose the Australian lovin'.

Microsoft In Bully Tactics Shocker

2007-03-29T14:21:00.000Z

Oh dear Microsoft. PS3's just been released, Wiis are still flying off the shelves as fast as horny students are flying off to Amsterdam and then you go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like this.

"We think that as soon as the Wii customer turns 14 they want [a 360]." - John Rodman, group product manager for Xbox.

Oh dear.

Let's have a look at the 'all grown-up' 360 shall we.

360 ain't all Halo and Gears Of War now is it MS? To be fair though there are about 3 times as many kids games available on 360 than the total amount of games available on the Wii. But it's still an unashamedly unfair attack on a competitor. A competitor that spawned camel toe Mario and one that has made many young adults spotty and unsociable. And it's not as if they're doing anything in coming months to be scared of!

Shame on you Microsoft. Shame on you.

Feyenoord kid says fuck you!!

Image Hell Unleashed

2007-03-29T13:08:00.000Z

As if we needed reminding quite how huge the Transformers film is going to be, the powers that be have today released image megaton on the world. If we were in the 40's the Nazi's would be gassing those responsible, even today the Chinese are blocking it from their entire nation. Your grandfathers fought on the beaches for a day like today. A day that there are no image size limits. Today, that day has come.

WARNING: These images are bigger than anything on the interweb EVER. They will cause your modem to squeal like a girl and make your computer explode.

Chinese Propaganda War!

2007-03-28T17:22:00.000Z

That's right, this very page is being blocked by the Chinese government in a vein attempt to keep their civilisation from the revolution.

Maybe it's yesterdays talk of Bauer in the Chinese prison. Maybe we were actually right and US soldiers are being whipped with kettle leads as we speak. Maybe they're just scared of what's about to happen here. Yeah well we've seen the kind of shit your government pulls and we're better off without it!

Feyenoord kid says fuck you!!

We know Battle Royale is Japanese but it's close enough. And yes we also know that Kim Jong-il has nothing to do with the Chinese government. Smart arse.

Are Sega having a laugh? Again!?

2007-03-28T17:20:00.000Z

How is some fat Italian plumber meant to keep up with a lightning bolt of blue. It's no contest really.

And do I detect a bit of Mario camel toe?

If we lose tonight

2007-03-28T15:16:00.000Z

Seeing the (3 red) lights

2007-03-28T12:32:00.000Z

No matter how much we dissed the PS3 prior to launch we're beginning to see why so many people stood by it.

Today's big news is the official announcement of the 'new' Xbox 360 Elite. WHO FUCKING CARES! For weeks this thing has been banded about the interweb rife with rumours and speculation about its uber-coolness and now it's here and it does nothing more than the last one did other than have an HDMI slot, something which Microsoft said would only be available "when the market called for one". Well the market's been calling for a long fucking time, and only now that PS3 is released do they get off their arse. Fair play.

Lets take a look at why this new SKU really doesn't help much.

It's still £280. Fuck that! Another £280 for an HDMI output that should have been there on release and that probably wouldn't make all that much difference on my 32" display? Piss off.
It's still not wifi enabled, so we still have to buy that stupid pissing wireless adaptor.
They're still bundling that shit wired headset. WHY?!?!
You should be able to use your own hard drive like PS3. We've got 1000's of GB worth of hard drive here and you're refusing to let us use it!? And what's going to happen to all the saves on our current hard drive. We're not paying for an accessory to copy them over.
They still haven't integrated the HD-DVD drive yet are starting to realise that Blu-Ray is actually winning. Why not bundle it in and automatically get some customers!?!? The people buying this unit over the Premium are those that want the HDMI output and therefore want HD content. Retards!!
PS3 does all this already!!!!!

So whilst we're very happy with the Xbox 360, other than the fact its broken down 3 fucking times, we don't see how this announcement is really going to help the market. We already have more HDMI devices than we have HDMI inputs, do we really need another? And do Microsoft really need to keep their stupid Core system on the market? No one other than poor students buy it, and then they just chip it and download the games anyway!

The sad thing is despite us saying all this we'll probably rush out and buy one anyway. It's Limited Edition don't ya know!

I was originally going to post this...

2007-03-28T00:03:00.000Z

These things are going to be the bane of my week...

You know who you are with your fucking Teutonic Knights.
Piss off!!!

Look at them standing over my rotting carcass. Scavengers...

And while we're here you can piss off with your fucking camels as well!!!

But now I'm going to post this...

What the fuck!??!?! You pay good money for a game and then it only works for one pissing day?? Microsoft I know you like your licenses but this is ridiculous. And don't come back with your Vista excuses, that's your bloody product as well! And Game, not only did you steal my soul but now my cash. CUNTS!

Right fit over, rage face off. For those not in the know I am in fact talking about the game that legends are made of, Age Of Empires II. For days I have had no end of trouble configuring port forwarding, faffing about with firewalls, and messing with general internet security crap in order to play a nice civil game with a few friends. Finally it worked. Twice. Every time since then it's repeatedly crashed on me. Why do you do this to me evil powers that be? Is it because I drowned a small kitten down a well, or unknowingly took ecstasy whilst out clubbing. I joke about the kitten. This is a cry for help for those willing to help me, a plea if you like.

So an admittedly boring post but a necessary one. Help me, together we can get it sorted.

24 Is Shit

2007-03-27T16:13:00.000Z

That's right. Never did we think we'd ever be uttering those fateful words, but it's true. 24 has well and truly gone down the shitter. Season 6 has been the biggest waste of hard disk space I think we've ever had. And trust us, we've had a lot of useless crap on our hard drives.

Here are some, and by no means all, of the reasons why 24 has gone shit:

There's not enough Jack - Obviously Mr Bauer is the best character ever created in any TV show in the history of broadcast. So why is he repeatedly ignored in favour of all the other idiots at CTU!? We didn't care that Morris had a drink at lunch the first time and we don't need reminding in the next three episodes either. We know the Vice President wants a war so don't keep hinting at it throughout the whole bloody season, just bloody do it. We know that Nadia is not a mole. Just because she's Muslim doesn't make us think she did it. And we know that it won't be her because every fucking season there's a mole, and so this time to avoid predictability there won't be one, but it's too late because we already know that you know that!!!!!
There's not enough Jack kicking ass - And whenever we do see Jack he's not doing Jack things like shooting people in the face/sticking knives in peoples legs/being cool. Instead, as the latest episode proves (S06E15), he's literally standing around talking to retards.
It's all far too predictable - We all know that FOX would never allow the terrorists to kill the retard. We do know that either a) Jack will swoop in and capture the lead terrorist, or b) Jack will take out all the mini-terrorists but somehow the lead will miraculously get away. Mix it up a bit! Take it back to Season 1 + 2 where we had no idea what was around the corner. If you want to know, it was actually option a, and the retard nearly got one in the head.
All the terrorists seem to get off easy- Every single terrorist in the history of 24 who has been taken into custody has been given 'immunity'. Fuck that! Give them AIDs of the face and kick them in the balls!
Ridiculous continuity - If you've been locked in a Chinese prison for 2 years being poked with cattle prods and having acid thrown at your face you're not going to be in a fit state to work for the US government after an hour of freedom. Maybe that's why Iraq's as fucked as it is. Maybe the US soldiers were being whipped with kettle leads in a Chinese prison hours before being flown out to the Middle East. Maybe not. And, back on topic, if you've been bombed the hell up and thrown in a coma, a la Wayne Palmer, you're not then going to be up 2 hours later making presidential decisions. Sort it out.
It's full of people I don't care for - Other than Jack, Chloe and Bill we honestly don't care if any of the remaining cast snuffs it. Remember Edgar choking to death?? Brought a tear. Nina getting shot in the head 3 times? Take that, bitch! President Palmer sniped in the face? Oh.My.Fucking.God! Even Chapelle being sacrificed in the trainyard. It was all powerful stuff. And now they keep fucking it up, every single bloody time. Take Jack and Audrey for example. Season 5, a very tense stand-off with Robocop. Will she die, won't she die. It was nerve racking. Here's the love of Jack's life, together since Season 3, dying in front of him. You saw the emotion, you saw the reaction. Oh, let's just kill her off between Season 5 and 6, and then completely forget about her. Absolutely ridiculous!

And I think that last point is the main point. I've felt absolutely zero emotion for anything that's happened so far this series. Considering that's the whole premise of 24 it's a real shame.

Suffice to say I at least am tempted to not even bother watching the rest of the season, let alone buying the box set. And that's tough words for me to say! Think we're right? Think we're wrong?? Leave a comment and let us know.

Fame and Fortune!

2007-03-27T13:07:00.000Z

Ok maybe not the fortune, maybe not even the fame, but we're proud nonetheless.

Our latest (and only) YouTube creation has caused quite a stir over at Sony-Hate site UK Resistance. At the time of posting it's had almost 10,000 views and won an honour for being within the top 35 most linked to videos in the world! Check it out!

It starts...

2007-03-27T12:32:00.000Z

Yes I've finally gone and done it. You know I always thought that loneliness and depression were the main contributors for people to start blogging, but evidently not. No, for me, all it’s taken is a bit of alcohol and unemployment. That's right, it's 12:30 in the afternoon, it's sunny, Kanye’s blasting out the stereo and I've downed a litre of cider. And that's all that's needed for me to spill my thoughts to the world. Don't get your hopes up though, I'm not that drunk.

So how do I start this...how do I write a blog? I guess you’re waiting for me to say something funny. Possibly share some wisdom. Maybe talk about my day. Well there’ll be all that, but there’ll also be a helluva lot more besides. And spilling it now? That’d ruin the surprise! One day you'll come back wondering how it all began...

It starts here! Watch this space, this will develop.

This is the beginning of a revolution.